sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
