I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The ass gains better be worth it
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