Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
