OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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