i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
