I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
40s are totally the cure
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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