you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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