I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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