3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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