He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
