imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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