if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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