He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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