Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
