the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
