I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
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