so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I think your dad took our porno
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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