My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize
