I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
