Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
