im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
