I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
