you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
