sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
