i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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