dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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