Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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