I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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