This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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