dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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