I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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