I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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