I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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