Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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