yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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