At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
