grandma shit on top of the toilet
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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