he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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