all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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