My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
