Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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