And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
