Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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