its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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