My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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