I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
