I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
