if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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