i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My pussy is not your playground.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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