i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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